DEAR DEIDRE: I OFTEN play with myself while I’m asleep. What will happen this summer when I’m due to share a tent with my mates?
I’m a 32-year-old man and I didn’t even know I had this embarrassing habit until I was 17. I was sleeping over at my girlfriend’s house. She shook me awake at 3am, saying I’d been touching myself and moaning loudly.
I was incredibly embarrassed, especially because her parents had barged in, thinking I was seducing her.
I hoped it was just a one-off — linked to the normal sex dreams most teenage boys experience.
But over the years, several girlfriends have woken me up, saying I’d been groping myself in the night.
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I lived with a girlfriend in my twenties, and she once came home from work one afternoon to find me naked on the sofa, playing with myself in full view of anyone walking past.
I’d been out like a light after a night shift and had no idea.
I went to my GP and they said I was suffering from stress. I changed my job, and lived by myself for a few years. I thought the problem had gone away.
But last month, the man in the flat next door referred to the “new lass” I’d been seeing.
I’m single, so when I asked him what he meant, he said he’d heard loud sex noises coming from my flat and had assumed I’d got a new girlfriend.
This problem is really affecting my confidence. I’m scared to let anyone sleep over at my flat in case they discover me pleasuring myself in the middle of the night.
But, even more frightening — it’s my best mate’s stag weekend later this summer. Four of us — all men — are due to be sharing a tent in the middle of the woods. If they wake up and catch me doing this, I’ll never live it down.
What can I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: This sounds like Sexsomnia. That’s a rare sleep disorder that causes people to engage in sexual activity during their sleep.
It’s more common in men than women, and can vary from moaning in your sleep, through to touching yourself, right up to initiating sex with other people.
Stress, alcohol, sleep deprivation and uncomfortable sleeping conditions can all make this issue worse. So, unfortunately, a stag weekend in a tent sounds like it might be a recipe for disaster.
Things that will help you in the lead up to this weekend is making sure you are well rested, relaxed and keep your alcohol intake in check. And it would be worth investing in a good camp bed and inflatable mattress.
Go back to your GP. While there’s no cure for sexsomnia, some people find their symptoms are relieved by medications, so ask your doctor for possible treatments.
If you feel your friends are likely to tease you about this issue, could you get yourself a separate tent for the stag weekend?
If you warn your friends that you snore loudly, they might be happy you’re sleeping in alternative accommodation.
In the future, do tell your girlfriends about this disorder before you share a bed for the first time.
Most women who care about you will be understanding, but a few might be unsettled to find their new partner pleasuring himself as he sleeps.
Dear Deidre’s Sleep Struggles
From exhausting nights to distressing sleep disturbances, problems around rest frequently appear in Deidre’s inbox.
One reader admitted she has been masturbating in her sleep, leaving her partner angry and confused about what it means for their relationship.
Another man revealed that relentless nightmares have been ruining his sleep and affecting every part of his daily life, from work to relationships.
And a third reader shared how severe insomnia has left them at breaking point, exhausted and struggling to cope after nights of almost no rest.
UNDERSTANDING SLEEP DISORDERS
Sleep problems are common, but some go beyond the occasional restless night. Here are some of the most common sleep disorders and their symptoms.
SEXSOMNIA
Also known as sleep sex, sexsomnia is a rare sleep disorder in which someone engages in sexual behaviours while asleep.
This can include touching, masturbation, initiating sex or making sexual noises, with little or no memory of it afterwards.
It’s considered a type of parasomnia and may be triggered by stress, sleep deprivation or other sleep disorders.
INSOMNIA
Difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep, or waking too early. It’s the most common sleep disorder and can be triggered by stress, anxiety, illness or lifestyle habits.
SLEEP APNOEA
A condition where breathing repeatedly stops and starts during sleep, often causing loud snoring and daytime exhaustion. If left untreated it can increase the risk of heart disease and stroke.
NARCOLEPSY
A neurological condition that causes overwhelming daytime sleepiness and sudden sleep attacks. Some people also experience temporary muscle weakness, known as cataplexy.
RESTLESS LEGS SYNDROME (RLS)
An irresistible urge to move the legs, usually in the evening or at night. Symptoms can make it difficult to fall asleep or stay asleep.
SLEEPWALKING
A person gets up and carries out activities while asleep, often without remembering them the next morning. It is more common in children but can affect adults too.
NIGHT TERRORS
Different from nightmares, night terrors cause someone to scream, thrash or appear terrified while still asleep. They are most common in children but can occur in adults.
PARASOMNIAS
A group of disorders involving unusual behaviours during sleep, such as sleep talking, acting out dreams, eating while asleep or teeth grinding.
CIRCADIAN RHYTHM DISORDERS
These occur when the body’s internal clock is out of sync with normal sleep patterns, often due to shift work, jet lag or delayed sleep phase syndrome.
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